Hair Apparent
by juliagulia1017
Summary: [ON HIATUS] Sillyfic. Hinata's been violated by a mysterious man with hairy buttocks! Shino and Kiba are on the case, but Ino, Sakura and Tenten want to help for their OWN personal reasons.
1. Chapter 1

_**"No matter what path in life you have walked, I shall save you from it.**_

**_Because you said you loved me and my hairy ass." __-Gintama (manga)_**

_Honestly, WTF? It's the most freakin' random quote I've ever heard and yet it was the engine that helped me start this fic. Standard disclaimers apply; characters belong to Kishimoto. _

_This **was **dedicated to somebody but she didn't want this fic because it wasn't a one-shot. Hugs to Jacq for helping me choose the title!_

_**

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**_

**"Hair Apparent"**

After a particularly long month full of solo missions and the like, it felt good to be back home in Konoha. Tsunade had decided to award Hinata with a trip to an _onsen_ for a job well done, and the newly appointed Jounin was more than happy to know she'd be pampered for a few hours.

She was grateful for the lack of patrons at this particular site- Hinata was still a very modest young woman and preferred to bathe alone. Seeing that she had an opportunity to soak in the nude (as opposed to wearing a towel in the springs), she slowly disrobed and stepped into the water, quietly moaning her joy at its soothing temperature. Piling her long locks loosely atop her head, she waded into the middle of the steamy hot spring towards a small waterfall, blissfully unaware of the pair of eyes that hungrily followed her every movement.

A few moments later her stalker stealthily pursued her into the water and attacked.

"AAIIIEEEEEE!" she screamed, eyes opening in utter horror and astonishment.

Her breasts had just been **GROPED**! She quickly turned her head as the pitter-patter of wet footsteps faded in the distance. Quickly activating her Byakugan, she could clearly make out an outline of the fleeing sexual deviant, wearing naught but a white towel strapped around his waist. She couldn't see the person's head or any other distinguishable features. It seemed her anonymous perpetrator would get off unpunished for his crime.

And then it happened.

The towel dropped, as did her jaw.

The pervert who felt her up had a **h-a-i-r-y ass**!

All thoughts of continuing her spa date went up in smoke. Hinata quickly put on her clothes and ran off to report her case to Tsunade.

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**Next chapter**_ (if there is one)**-** _Kiba and Shino play detective.

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_Can you BELIEVE this is going to be a chapter fic? I think I'm still in denial._

_Review if you like, stay away if you don't like._


	2. Chapter 2

_Surprise, surprise... Chapter Two is here... (Nervously bites her nails.)_

_I'll be updating "Good Karma, Bad Karma" and "Onegai, Senpai" very soon... Sorry for the long delays on both! "Proportional Retribution" and the unnamed companion piece to "Irony of Love" are on hiatus (unofficially)… _

_For disclaimers, see Chapter One. If I failed to mention it before, characters are OOC._

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Chapter Two

"I'll castrate the creep that did this to you, Hinata-chan!" exclaimed Tenten, brandishing an artillery of kunai and senbon.

Hinata sweat-dropped. "Ano…eto… that isn't necessary, Tenten-chan…" she said, waving her hands pleadingly into the air.

Sakura balked, punching a wall. "Not NECESSARY? Hinata! Someone GRABBED you THERE!" she frowned, pointing towards Hinata's chest.

"Forehead Girl is right! We're going to nab this jerk and give him what he deserves!" declared Ino, who pumped her fists.

"Tsunade-sama, help!" cried the Hyuuga heiress. Her friends were getting a little too carried away. She didn't want them to know about her little problem, but when they found her in the street looking troubled, they continued to pester her until she took them with her to Tsunade's office and reported what had occurred.

Quite frankly, Hinata only needed to enlist the help of her former teammates who were one of Konoha's best tracking groups.

"Ladies- I've already summoned a team to help Hinata track down the assailant."

Seconds later, Shino, Kiba and Akamaru stepped into the office where the Inuzuka was promptly tackled to the floor by three of Konoha's finest kunoichi.

"OI! What gives? Get off me!" he growled, thrashing on the floor. Kiba paused. Actually, wrestling three hot chicks wasn't that bad of an idea… "On second thought, Sakura- oh yeah, good girl, that's the spot… HELL YEAH!"

Ino, Sakura and Tenten jumped off of him at once, cringing.

"HENTAI!" they shrieked.

Kiba pouted. That was the most action he had gotten with a girl since... ever.

Hinata was about to help him off the floor. "Don't go near that FLEABAG, Hinata! It could be him!" scowled Sakura, pulling her away.

"What the HELL are you guys talking about?"

Tenten, Sakura and Ino huffed. "As if you don't know, Hentai-no-baka," Ino muttered matter-of-factly, placing her hands on her hips.

"Tsunade-sama, as amusing as it is to see Kiba getting thrashed, why have we been called in here?" Shino inquired. He perceived that something had happened to Hinata and her girlfriends were jumping to conclusions.

"Hinata was attacked-"

"WHAT!" Kiba yelled, grabbing his friend by her arms and looking her over. "Are you alright, Hinata-chan?"

"Um, Kiba-kun…" she whispered, eyeing the angry Hokage.

"As I was saying before I was so _rudely _interrupted…" started Tsunade, sending Kiba a death glare that caused him to sit down (and Akamaru to tuck his tail in between his legs), "Hinata was involved in an incident at the local hot springs..." The Hokage paused, thinking of something appropriate to say without further embarrassing the girl.

"She had her breasts GROPED!" Sakura blurted out, causing Hinata's knees to buckle and Kiba to become slack-jawed, "BY A MAN WITH A HAIRY ASS!"

"And we can think of only one person who fits that description," said Tenten, eyes glinting maliciously.

"And that's **YOU**!" finished Ino, as the three cornered the stunned dog-boy. Even Shino glared disapprovingly at the accused.

**"STOP IT!"** Hinata managed to holler.

The room became still. Even Tonton, who was running around the room in a mad panic trying to avoid the large (and hungry) Akamaru, froze in his little piggy tracks.

"It wasn't Kiba-kun! Kiba-kun is hairy, b-but not there…"

Tsunade looked at Hinata interestingly. "And how do you know this, Hinata," she inquired, winking at the shy woman.

Shino and Kiba looked at their former teammate interestingly. Hinata withered under their gazes.

"I… just do?" she squeaked, poking her fingers together.

It was an unacceptable answer.

She confessed. "I-I was activating my Byakugan… something went wrong during a mission and I hit my head on s-something… my vision blurred for a little bit and a-all of a sudden, it seemed as if n-no one was wearing any c-clothing… and I saw K-Kiba-kun and S-Shino-kun a-and…"

Hinata fainted, having seen a flashback of Shino and Kiba's naked bodies. In actuality, Hinata had seen a lot of randomly naked bodies that day, but her familiarity with her teammates caused her to become as uncomfortable as the first day she met them.

Kiba and Shino also seemed to recall a time where Hinata hadn't been able to make eye contact with them for MONTHS, and she had often insisted on wearing a bandana over her eyes while performing exercises with them... they had excused it as part of her training.

Several minutes later Hinata came to, with the aid of Shizune and some smelling salts.

Kiba hoisted her up. "Hey, so who's bigger, me or Shino?"

The offended Aburame punched him in the gut.

"We'll help you, Hinata-chan."

Akamaru barked in agreement.

The Inuzuka picked himself off the ground again. "I was kidding, Shino. Geesh. Of course we'll do anything for you, Hinata-chan. I just gotta know one thing, and it's important for this investigation…"

"What is it, Kiba-kun?"

Kiba mused for a moment, allowing his wild imagination to work with him. "How big were the guy's hands?" he asked, cupping the space in front of her chest. He had already conjured up an image of Hinata in the springs (truthfully, it had been a fantasy of his), but he had always wondered what Hinata's real chest size was. "Would you say they were about this big? Or-"

Sakura, Ino, and Tenten punched Kiba through the wall and out into the street, giving Tsunade a new view of Konoha. **"HENTAI-NO-BAKA!"**

Shino brought a dazed Hinata out of the office to help Akamaru drag his master out of the Kiba-shaped crater in the dirt. There was a lot of work to be done.

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**Next chapter: **The remaining girls begin their OWN investigation! LEAVE NO ASS UNTURNED! (Good luck, Sasuke!)

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_And that's my lame excuse for a chapter. I'm going camping this weekend, so I won't be able to respond to your reviews for a few days (if I receive any, that is). Take care, and I'll see everyone shortly! _


	3. Chapter 3

_No false advertising here, people- this story is weird. If you didn't like the first two chapters, chances are you're not going to like the third one either. _

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Chapter 3

"Well, what are we waiting for?" inquired Ino from the windowsill as she watched the infamous tracking team make their way down the street. "Let's help them!"

"No," interrupted Tsunade. "You ladies just keep a lookout for anyone suspicious. Chances are, whoever did this to Hinata is still in the village. I don't want you to trifle with any progress they've made in apprehending the deviant."

Sakura, Ino and Tenten looked at each other for a moment before regarding their Hokage once more.

"Hai, Tsunade-sama," they chirped a little too brightly, bowing before they made their departure. Once the girls set foot several yards away from the Hokage Tower, they hatched some plans on how to find the culprit.

"You won't be able to find a man with a fuzzy rear unless we can manage to find him with his skivvies around his ankles," Tenten commented.

Ino and Sakura had wicked smiles on their faces. The weapons mistress merely stared at her friends before matching her expression to their own.

"You know, this is wrong on SO many levels!"

"I know, but c'mon, Tenten! It'll be fun!"

"Ino-Pig is right, and we _are_ doing this for Hinata..."

"Sugoi! **Konoha Booty Brigade**, let's go!"

"Hey! I LIKE that name!"

The girls began to cackle maniacally, ignoring the strange looks from some of the other villagers.

**Men of Fire Country, beware of the KBB! **

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Meanwhile, the reunited members of Team 8 went straight to the hot springs and were currently looking through the premises for any other clues. The owner of the onsen was told that, per Hokage's orders, the place had to be closed for the remainder of the day.

The proprietor of the hot springs couldn't argue with the law. Before he left the teens to their jobs, he pointed out that his establishment was swept clean every night. Though he did have a few customers entering and exiting before and after Hinata's arrival, someone could have left an errant hair or an article of personal property behind.

Or so they would hope.

After hours of gathering possible evidence into different-sized Ziploc bags, the group met at a table to let Akamaru and Kiba do what they did best- identifying scents.

Hinata glanced at Kiba for a brief moment, feeling awful for giving him the bruise he now sported on his cheek.

Let us rewind back to two hours and forty-five awkward minutes ago...

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_"Oi, Hinata-chan. Wait just one second."_

_Hinata halted just as Kiba boldly pressed his nose into the side of her left breast._

_She gasped indignantly._

**_SLAP!_**

_Kiba brought his hand up to rub his stinging cheek. "OWW! WHAT **IS** THIS? **EVERYBODY BEAT UP KIBA DAY**?" he screeched._

_Hinata defensively brought her arms to her chest. "K-Kiba-kun! H-How could you?"_

_Kiba flailed his arms. "I was trying to see if I could recover the guy's scent!"_

_Hinata just stared at him, frowning. _

_"Cross my heart, Hinata-chan!"_

_"Then why is there a drool stain on her shirt?" Shino retorted disbelievingly. Hinata looked, and ran into the bathroom to spot-clean her top._

_Kiba reddened. "SHUT UP, SHINO!" _

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_

At present time, the group was huddled around a large table. Hinata had neatly organized each bag into columns and Kiba and Akamaru went through every bag thoroughly, voicing out the different people each smell belonged to as Shino jotted down the information.

There was a brief pause and odd looks on Kiba and Akamaru's faces.

Shino smirked, though you couldn't tell behind his collar. He lifted a bag and brought it to Kiba's face.

"Smell it."

Kiba's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "NO! YOU SMELL IT!"

"My sense of smell isn't as heightened as yours."

"Forget this! Oi, Akamaru, YOU smell it!"

Akamaru whined, taking a few steps away from the table and tucking his tail behind his legs.

"AKAMARU! You sniff other dogs' asses and you won't smell _this?_"

Said nin-dog decided to run off, leaving his bewildered master behind.

"Damn traitor," he muttered, slapping the bag away from his face. "Fuck this investigation! I ain't putting my nose anywhere**_ near_** those things!"

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Elsewhere, the KBB seemed to be having better luck. After skillfully running around town **pantsing** a few Genin and Chuunin as well as some defenseless non-shinobi-types, the bushy tushie-seeking trio took a short ice cream break to recap. 

"How many people live in Konoha, Forehead Girl?"

"According to the latest consensus, 64,306 people, Ino-Pig. Of that number, 31,509 are male. Of _that _number, 926 of them are active shinobi on duty performing various missions."

Tenten took a tentative lick of her strawberry cone. "We've only pantsed 293 guys."

"Wow, we have a lot more work ahead of us..." sighed Sakura, computing the numbers in her head.

Ino snapped a well-manicured finger. "Hey! We should look for Sasuke-kun, too, ne?"

They all stared at one another and began to giggle shamelessly. **"Oh, SASUKE-KUUUN!"** they hollered, resuming their search.

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Back over to Team Kurenai: 

Shino walked out of the building momentarily to get some fresh air. His stomach twisted in sadistic knots thinking of what Kiba was going to have to do.

After years of working with the same team, one begins to notice a habit. Shino had always been very observant. He had an inkling he knew what was going to happen.

Hinata would plead with Kiba. Kiba would flat-out refuse. Hinata would then do _that thing..._ Kiba would turn into mush. It was quite simple, really. Given the current situation, it was also very hilarious.

Walking back inside with an inconspicuous-looking suitcase, he realized that he was correct in his assumptions.

"O-Onegai, Kiba-kun?"

"But Hinata-chan," he groused, scratching his head disapprovingly. "These are **_pubes!_** I'm cool with my own, thank you very much, but I ain't getting near someone else's."_ 'Unless they're yours,' _he mentally added.

Shino waited. And there it was, right on cue. "P-please, Kiba-kun?"

He _tried _to resist... Kiba urked. "DAMN!" He ripped open a bag and brought one of the disgusting crinkled hairs to his nose. "This one belongs to Akamichi Chouza... Eww, GROSS! I sniffed fat people pubes!" Ripping into another bag, "This is Nara Shikaku's..."

2 hairs down, 387 left to go. Unfortunately there was a chance that a person shed more than one pubic hair.

This was NOT Kiba's day.

Hinata bowed in appreciation of Kiba's efforts. "Thank you, Kiba-kun!"

No one could _ever _resist pouty!Hinata.

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Two hours and 380 nasty little hairs later, Shino held up the suitcase that was in his hands earlier. 

"Kiba, you can stop now. Look what I found."

Kiba collapsed the moment he read the words, **D.N.A KIT**.

It **_really _**wasn't his day.

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_Next chapter: The KBB faces a challenge. __

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_

_Ugh... pubes. (Shudders)_

_Me again! Um... so I'm working on the other chapters to my other stories, though my progress is very, very slow. Molasses slow, if you will. In the meantime, I'm here to pimp two old (and rather long) oneshots I wrote called "The Irony of Love" (SasuHina, NaruIno, SakuPakkun) and "Foxy Baby" (NaruHina). Check them out if you haven't already... I'm trying to get the amount of reviews for those stories past 100... _

_And, um, if you liked this chapter... well, you know what to do!_


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm going crazy. I unwittingly started another chapter fic (aside from this one) and I'm already having enough trouble as it is trying to update "Karma" and "Onegai"._

_Bad Jules. Bad, bad girl._

_At any rate, this is another weird chapter._

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The KBB searched (and pantsed) late into the evening and their precious Sasuke-kun was nowhere in sight. 

Collapsing against a booth at the Ichiraku, the trio ordered dinner and began to pick at their steaming hot ramen bowls once they arrived.

Swirling her spoon into her soup, Tenten asked, "You don't think he... you know... left Konoha?"

"No! Don't say that, Tenten! Sasuke would NEVER go back to the Sound!" Ino harshly whispered, whipping her head around to make sure no one caught her words.

Sakura bit her chopsticks in worry. Truthfully she had thought the same thing herself, but she knew that Sasuke was good at not wanting to be found.

She shook her head and smiled brightly. "Ladies, we need to relax. It's been a really, really long day and I think we should go home and get some sleep."

Finishing the rest of their meal, the girls paid their tab and walked out of the restaurant. A few blocks later they spotted a drowsy Gai making his way up to his apartment.

Sakura froze as the gears in her head began to turn. Gai was hairy. He had once grown a disgustingly uncool moustache at one point. She had seen him donning an afro. He had freakishly bushy eyebrows.

She grabbed Ino and Tenten's arms, quietly muttering, "It's probably him!"

"Gai-sensei? C'mon, Sakura! Why would Gai-sensei grope Hinata? He's creepy, but not molester-creepy!" bit Tenten in defense of her former teacher, trying hard to ignore the images of Lee and Gai and their many "youthful" hugs. "Besides, you can't pants him. He wears a frickin' BODYSUIT!"

Tenten and Sakura cringed. But where was Ino? And WHY WAS MAITO GAI WALKING UP TO THEM?

They waved at Gai nervously. "Good evening, Gai-sensei..."

"Shh! It's me!" Ino (Gai) said, flipping her (his) hair, forgetting that there was no hair _to _flip.

Her friends flinched. "INO! How did you get IN there?" Sakura screeched.

"SHHHHHH!" Ino practically screamed, putting her (Gai's) hand over the pinkette's mouth. "It's my _Shintenshin-no-Jutsu_! His mind in its sleepy state was easy to take! Now! Do we want to see Gai's hairy behind or NOT?"

**"NOT!" **Tenten screamed. It was as if her nightmare had come to life!

"SHHHH!" Ino (Gai) said, clamping her (his) free hand over the Weapon mistress' mouth. "People are getting suspicious!"

"Ino-Pig," Sakura started, removing the large appendage from her lips. "We're in a dark alleyway, your body's slumped in a corner, OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE GETTING SUSPICIOUS!" she fumed.

"Whatever. Just shut up and cover me." Immediately she (Gai) hid herself behind a dumpster to divest of his clothing.

Sakura peeked, and made a face. "EWWW, GROSS!"

"Look, I only have two minutes left! I'm stripping! You guys take a peek when I tell you to!" Gai (Ino) quickly removed his Jonin vest but began to struggle inside the jumper. "Tenten! How do you take this thing OFF?"

Tenten blushed eighty shades of red. "How the heck am I supposed to know?" she seethed indignantly.

"C'mon, you've gotta help me!"

Tenten and Sakura each turned towards the side they each grabbed one of Gai's sleeves and began to pull downward, exposing his broad shoulders, muscular chest, and YIKES! His maleness.

**Who knew Maito Gai went COMMANDO!**

Ino looked down unwittingly. Holy cow, Gai was PACKING SAUSAGE!

"Hrrgghh... gaaahh... muhhh..." Poor Ino was shell-shocked. His (her) knees weakened, and he (she) turned around, facing Sakura.

Tenten quickly turned her head and looked downward. Gai was as smooth as a baby's bottom. She just wished that she hadn't seen that odd little purple birthmark on his left cheek…

"See, guys? I told you it couldn't be him!" she muttered uncomfortably, unaware of Ino's plight because she was too surprised from having seen her sensei's pale, hairless buttocks.

Sakura opened her eyes and looked down as well (to confirm Tenten's discovery).

"YOU PERVERT!" she hollered.

Overwrought by the absurdity of the situation she was placed in, she punched Gai through the wall. Fortunately for the KBB, Ino had found a way back into her body, but she was still traumatized.

Not knowing what to do with Gai's body, they found a few newspapers and covered him up as best as they could (without trying to take a glimpse of the appendage that ran halfway down his thigh) and they each ran home, hoping that sleep would help them forget what they had seen.

Sai, who happened to live in the vicinity, found Gai and took him home, but not before admiring the man's crotch.

"Now **_that's _**what I call a penis. Penis, penis, penis! How very lovely!" he smiled.

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_I couldn't resist the Sai name-drop. I think I owe Gai for poking so much fun at him in one of my other stories. Gai's reward is a HUUUUGE... well, you know._ _I think it's penance enough._

_If you're laughing, that makes me happy._


End file.
